Remission

Remission! It's a funny word. Of course, I am absolutely thrilled. What I didn't realise is that it brings with it a raft of watching and waiting for the next few weeks, months and years, monitoring of bloods, checking out other signs and symptoms to "make sure." As I've explained before, me and uncertainty don't go too well together, but I will take this hands down anyday!!!   The illness of my aunt, who unfortunately won't go into remission but who is expected only to last for the next day or too, again from cancer, and hearing from the consultant that one of the ladies I was being treated with who seemed like me, relatively well and who had exactly the same kind of cancer as I did, had died last week, focuses the mind all too sharply but also helps me to realise just how thankful I am.

Thankful that I am in remission; thankful to all who have nursed and looked after me; thankful to all who have held my hand and wiped my tears; thankful to my work and colleagues for their support; thankful to my friends, church family and family for all their support and thankful to God for His many blessings.

I had also hoped that by now I would be feeling so much better. Don't get me wrong, of course I feel better than I did but I get so very tired. I do something because I feel fine but end up feeling tired because I have tried to do whatever it is. Tomorrow for example, it's the MWI service in the morning at Church and of course I want to support Joan (who is preaching,) and the ladies who have done all the organising and planning but I also would like to support my friend and her family who are burying their dad tomorrow afternoon. I know I can't do both and it just gets so frustrating. Colin reminds me daily that rather than look at it this way I should perhaps just be thankful that I can choose to do either of them, perhaps if I was feeling worse then I couldn't do any of them, I know he is right.

Wonderful things that have been the rainbows and stars of the last few weeks and months have been:
Watching as Colin has begun to investigate, and has now started on his photography venture / business.

 My Lovely Hubby!

Enjoying crafting when I've needed some quiet time at home, something which I hadn't done for a while before I became unwell - thankyou Leanne, Alison, & Sharon for the inspiration.

 Eoin & Jack

Spending time with my boys - watching Eoin gain some independence as he went with the other children in P6 in his school to the Share Centre in Enniskillen - something both he and I were very nervous about. He's back yesterday and he had an absolute ball. He joined in all of the activities and it's just so wonderful to start to see him develop into a young man.

I have started to work with Heather from The Ulster Cancer Foundation, on a project called "Writing for the Future," and she is helping me to put together something for the boys. Hopefully an insurance policy which I will never need to use - a book and a box for each of the boys with some thoughts and feelings in it to help them to gain a better sense of connection to me if the worst was to happen. I hope that I will be embarrassing them with it in years to come and that they won't have to look at it alone while they are still children, but I know I will feel better to have done it.

Thank you all for your support.

Louise

Watching & Waiting

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted! I will have to make a belated new year's resolution to try and post more often - at least once per week. Even if it's not read by anyone, at least it's some therapy for me!!

After a traumatice couple of days, I've finally come to the end of this round of treatment - it's perhaps the last ever, we won't know until after a scan in about 6 weeks, which hopes to determine how the treatment has worked on the lymphoma cells and how we need to proceed from here. Hopefully the lymphoma will be in remission but we don't know.

We have had a lovely Christmas together as a family with both mine and Colin's parents joining us over the past number of weeks to stay for days / weeks and we have just enjoyed the time with our boys.

The boys on the beach at Ballygalley

Thomas joining in the fun at W5

The beginning of our wait for the scan and the news that will follow has helped me to focus on the season just past, Christmas. The birth of Jesus. How much more difficult must it have been for those lonely, weary, travellers on the road to Bethlehem who had both received such unexpected visitors bringing them such amazing news in the months previous to their journey.

They, unlike us, were not 'privy' to the end of the story, they were unaware of the amazing life that this little babe would lead.

We experience this story, with the hindsight that 2,000 years gives us. With the luxury of the history and the experience of all those who have gone before and shared with us their faith and the impact that His lowly birth had on them.

For Mary and Joseph, they waited, longing to know what would happen to their child, Jesus. They entrusted God in their waiting, they didn't know the outcome, what impact his life and death would have on the world. They didn't have the luxury of knowing the end of the story - in some ways I wonder if this would have been easier, if they had known what was going to happen, would they have tried to change the course of history. Or was it harder to wait, to watch and see what time would unfold for their son, who was also the Son of God.

I am in no way trying to draw paralleles between my life and that of Jesus! However, I am in the midst of the waiting, trusting, hoping but knowing that in this the outcome may well be something unexpected, different to what I hope for, but it could also be something so far beyond my wildest dreams that I am unable to ever imagine what it could be. Isn't it so scary yet so wonderful all at the same time. That rollercoaster of emotion, that ever changing state of flux!

I know the constants that are with me on this journey, the stars and the rainbows. Even in the daylight when we can't see them, as my good friend recently reminded me in a wonderful gift, the day stars are there, we just can't see them. To you friends who are the constant encouragers and supporters on this journey - thank you for being the rainbows and stars. 

Perhaps i am better not knowing the outcome to this situation, but in other ways, as I've previously explained, this does not sit easily with the one who tries to plan and to know what is ahead and tries to anticipate this - I'm still learning to listen to the "still, small voice of calm!"

Hopefully I will be posting again soon - but then again don't hold your breath, I said that last time (9th November!!!!) Here's hoping.........

........ in the meantime, keep looking for the rainbows and stars!

Thanks for the Rainbows!

It has absolutely astounded me how many people have "sent" me rainbows and stars - thanks to you all! In picture format, on cards, text messages, poems - you name it. Even this morning, a member of our congregation shared a story from her recent holiday: having climbed a high mountain, knowing the view was beautiful, all she could see was the mist, she could hardly see in front of her hand, but she knew that the view, could she have seen it, was absolutely beautiful. Inspite of the mist and the weather, she was aware that although she physically couldn't see the splendour and beauty, that it was there and that she was most definately a part of it. We were chatting about the fact that at times such as this, the "fog" and "mist" can be very debilitating and it's hard at times to remember the "bigger picture." Although we don't know the plan that God has for our lives, we know that it is there and that we are in the midst of it.

For those of you who work with me, or who have previously, you will be aware of my anally retentive nature when it comes to being "in control," having to know what it going on, and have some sort of say in the planning - not knowing the plan to me is more difficult than knowing the plan and not liking it / agreeing with it - don't ask me why! I know it sounds odd. As you can imagine, this makes our current lifestyle - living day by day, quite a difficult one. What will I be doing tomorrow - I'm not sure, it depends how I feel, has not really been the moto by which I have lived my life. I am learning (slowly!)

This is a rainbow taken by my Uncle at the Victoria Falls!

I am rediscovering my past love of crafting - much to my husband and mother's dismay - the house is littered with crafting products, both finished and unfinished! Some of you may even be "privelidged" to be the recipients of such things when you open the christmas wrapping paper in a few weeks time. I am enjoying myself immensely and making a huge mess - great!

It has been a week of birthdays and celebrations in our house this past week, with my two eldest boys turning 6 and 10 in the past week and Colin's Mum and Dad celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary. It's hard to believe that it's been 10 years since I craddled that little scrap who needed tiny baby clothes in my arms for the first time. "God's Precious Gift" (the meaning of Eoin's name,) certainly has been that, Eoin (and Thomas and Jack,) have brought us such gifts and blessings wider than anything that I could ever have imagined. Just look at the delight in Jack's face as he opened his £1.25 Toy Story bag (cheapskate mummy!) and told me how awesome it was - I had filled it with some crafty bits and pieces and Jack likes nothing more than "making."

It has been a bit of a strange week as my husband exposed me to the world! Without me realising, he had posted pictures of me on Facebook, and sent emails with them attached, of me with Jack on his birthday, without anything on my head - my baldness there for all to see! I wasn't sure if I was ready for everyone to see me, but I guess I didn't have any choice, it was too late, it was done. 

Still learning you see - He knows the plans He has for me, I am not in control, just living day by day, taking each one as it comes - accepting it at the gift it was intended to be.

More Rainbows and Stars!

It's hard to believe that over a week has gone past since I have 'posted!' - getting it started seemed like such a challenge, but I now realise that the real challenge is going to be keeping it going! I have to say, that I don't have any excuse, not too many "bad days" this week - yes I'm tired and I worry at the slightest physical symptom, but really I don't have too much to be complaining about.

I am facing round 3 of an intial 6 sessions of chemo on Thursday of this week at the the chemo unit in Antrim area hospital. I have often heard the nursing staff at such places refered to as angels, but never quite understood how true this is. There is something so serene and genuine in their warmth. Nothing is too much trouble or bother and they are happy to reassure, answer questions, mop up the sick, and wipe away the tears, as well as share the jokes and the banter with all those they encounter. They are definately stars and rainbows (as well as angels.)

I received a card from a friend today and it says "sometimes there are more questions than answers . . . .  times when our hearts are weary and our strength fades - but when we cannot stand, God carries us through . . . . " How true this is. I don't think that I've ever felt closer to God.
I know many people turn to God in times like these, but for those of you who know me, you will know that I have had a faith for a very long time - but now more than ever, that "blind faith" - trusting Him no matter what the outcome, has really been brought forth.
I do worry about our boys, what will happen to them if something happens to me and I do think, at times angrily, that I should be the one to see them grow up into men - that maternal instinct really takes over and kicks in!!! It is this faith, that reminds me, that no matter what, even if the "worst outcome" happens, that God not only has me, but the whole family in his hand. Those boys with their cheeky grins and full of fun, will grow up whether I'm here or not, and they will be ok. They too are not only my children but God's and He is with them in this as much as He is me.

Enough of the morbid talk, (I'll be scaring you all away from reading the blog!) - you haven't got rid of me that easily, and as my friend Sharon says, she's only letting me have 6 months off my volunteering at GB, so I have to be better after that - there's no option, or I'll have her to answer to.

I have spent a lovely few days with the boys, getting ready for birthdays and spending time with Thomas - as you can see from this photo he has been discovering bubbles this week, and really enjoying them.

My lovely husband had a "day out" on Sunday, when he spent the day with some colleagues photographing at various locations around Northern Ireland - he even found me a rainbow!

It's a beautiful reminder of the rainbows and stars that we all encounter as we journey.

When it rains look for rainbows!

One of the things that is going through my head at this moment is that saying: "When it rains look for rainbows, when it's dark look for stars."

I got a Facebook message from a friend this evening, which was lovely, thank you Jo! It challenged me to think about how I could make the most of the situation I currently find myself in.

Why not try to write a blog?

Having never done anything like this before, I made "the call" to my husband in work this evening to ask where I would start! He made some fairly helpful suggestions, and well, here we are!!!!

On Tuesday 7th September 2010 I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I have cancer - even getting the courage to put it into words / type at times can be difficult, but it is our reality and as surreal as it seems it is something we as a family are coming to terms with.

In the midst of the deepest, darkest despair, and the black clouds of gloom, questions, shock and trauma that come with such a diagnosis, I have discovered so many rainbows and stars in my daily life - the many blessings, privileges and joys that I, and we as a family, have come to share.  Simple things, such as enjoying family time with our three boys, realising that many people with this condition are extremely ill before they get a diagnosis like this, spending time with great friends, taking time to do things I enjoy.

No it is not easy, no it is not fair, but it is what it is. 

Through this blog I would like to share with you, when I can, what you might pray for, how you might support us, but most of all it is a place to share the story of our life on this journey.

I hope you journey with us and experience the many rainbows and stars along the way! (as well as the days when perhaps they are a bit more difficult to find.)