Thanks for the Rainbows!

It has absolutely astounded me how many people have "sent" me rainbows and stars - thanks to you all! In picture format, on cards, text messages, poems - you name it. Even this morning, a member of our congregation shared a story from her recent holiday: having climbed a high mountain, knowing the view was beautiful, all she could see was the mist, she could hardly see in front of her hand, but she knew that the view, could she have seen it, was absolutely beautiful. Inspite of the mist and the weather, she was aware that although she physically couldn't see the splendour and beauty, that it was there and that she was most definately a part of it. We were chatting about the fact that at times such as this, the "fog" and "mist" can be very debilitating and it's hard at times to remember the "bigger picture." Although we don't know the plan that God has for our lives, we know that it is there and that we are in the midst of it.

For those of you who work with me, or who have previously, you will be aware of my anally retentive nature when it comes to being "in control," having to know what it going on, and have some sort of say in the planning - not knowing the plan to me is more difficult than knowing the plan and not liking it / agreeing with it - don't ask me why! I know it sounds odd. As you can imagine, this makes our current lifestyle - living day by day, quite a difficult one. What will I be doing tomorrow - I'm not sure, it depends how I feel, has not really been the moto by which I have lived my life. I am learning (slowly!)

This is a rainbow taken by my Uncle at the Victoria Falls!

I am rediscovering my past love of crafting - much to my husband and mother's dismay - the house is littered with crafting products, both finished and unfinished! Some of you may even be "privelidged" to be the recipients of such things when you open the christmas wrapping paper in a few weeks time. I am enjoying myself immensely and making a huge mess - great!

It has been a week of birthdays and celebrations in our house this past week, with my two eldest boys turning 6 and 10 in the past week and Colin's Mum and Dad celebrating their 40th Wedding Anniversary. It's hard to believe that it's been 10 years since I craddled that little scrap who needed tiny baby clothes in my arms for the first time. "God's Precious Gift" (the meaning of Eoin's name,) certainly has been that, Eoin (and Thomas and Jack,) have brought us such gifts and blessings wider than anything that I could ever have imagined. Just look at the delight in Jack's face as he opened his £1.25 Toy Story bag (cheapskate mummy!) and told me how awesome it was - I had filled it with some crafty bits and pieces and Jack likes nothing more than "making."

It has been a bit of a strange week as my husband exposed me to the world! Without me realising, he had posted pictures of me on Facebook, and sent emails with them attached, of me with Jack on his birthday, without anything on my head - my baldness there for all to see! I wasn't sure if I was ready for everyone to see me, but I guess I didn't have any choice, it was too late, it was done. 

Still learning you see - He knows the plans He has for me, I am not in control, just living day by day, taking each one as it comes - accepting it at the gift it was intended to be.

More Rainbows and Stars!

It's hard to believe that over a week has gone past since I have 'posted!' - getting it started seemed like such a challenge, but I now realise that the real challenge is going to be keeping it going! I have to say, that I don't have any excuse, not too many "bad days" this week - yes I'm tired and I worry at the slightest physical symptom, but really I don't have too much to be complaining about.

I am facing round 3 of an intial 6 sessions of chemo on Thursday of this week at the the chemo unit in Antrim area hospital. I have often heard the nursing staff at such places refered to as angels, but never quite understood how true this is. There is something so serene and genuine in their warmth. Nothing is too much trouble or bother and they are happy to reassure, answer questions, mop up the sick, and wipe away the tears, as well as share the jokes and the banter with all those they encounter. They are definately stars and rainbows (as well as angels.)

I received a card from a friend today and it says "sometimes there are more questions than answers . . . .  times when our hearts are weary and our strength fades - but when we cannot stand, God carries us through . . . . " How true this is. I don't think that I've ever felt closer to God.
I know many people turn to God in times like these, but for those of you who know me, you will know that I have had a faith for a very long time - but now more than ever, that "blind faith" - trusting Him no matter what the outcome, has really been brought forth.
I do worry about our boys, what will happen to them if something happens to me and I do think, at times angrily, that I should be the one to see them grow up into men - that maternal instinct really takes over and kicks in!!! It is this faith, that reminds me, that no matter what, even if the "worst outcome" happens, that God not only has me, but the whole family in his hand. Those boys with their cheeky grins and full of fun, will grow up whether I'm here or not, and they will be ok. They too are not only my children but God's and He is with them in this as much as He is me.

Enough of the morbid talk, (I'll be scaring you all away from reading the blog!) - you haven't got rid of me that easily, and as my friend Sharon says, she's only letting me have 6 months off my volunteering at GB, so I have to be better after that - there's no option, or I'll have her to answer to.

I have spent a lovely few days with the boys, getting ready for birthdays and spending time with Thomas - as you can see from this photo he has been discovering bubbles this week, and really enjoying them.

My lovely husband had a "day out" on Sunday, when he spent the day with some colleagues photographing at various locations around Northern Ireland - he even found me a rainbow!

It's a beautiful reminder of the rainbows and stars that we all encounter as we journey.

When it rains look for rainbows!

One of the things that is going through my head at this moment is that saying: "When it rains look for rainbows, when it's dark look for stars."

I got a Facebook message from a friend this evening, which was lovely, thank you Jo! It challenged me to think about how I could make the most of the situation I currently find myself in.

Why not try to write a blog?

Having never done anything like this before, I made "the call" to my husband in work this evening to ask where I would start! He made some fairly helpful suggestions, and well, here we are!!!!

On Tuesday 7th September 2010 I was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma. I have cancer - even getting the courage to put it into words / type at times can be difficult, but it is our reality and as surreal as it seems it is something we as a family are coming to terms with.

In the midst of the deepest, darkest despair, and the black clouds of gloom, questions, shock and trauma that come with such a diagnosis, I have discovered so many rainbows and stars in my daily life - the many blessings, privileges and joys that I, and we as a family, have come to share.  Simple things, such as enjoying family time with our three boys, realising that many people with this condition are extremely ill before they get a diagnosis like this, spending time with great friends, taking time to do things I enjoy.

No it is not easy, no it is not fair, but it is what it is. 

Through this blog I would like to share with you, when I can, what you might pray for, how you might support us, but most of all it is a place to share the story of our life on this journey.

I hope you journey with us and experience the many rainbows and stars along the way! (as well as the days when perhaps they are a bit more difficult to find.)