Remission

Remission! It's a funny word. Of course, I am absolutely thrilled. What I didn't realise is that it brings with it a raft of watching and waiting for the next few weeks, months and years, monitoring of bloods, checking out other signs and symptoms to "make sure." As I've explained before, me and uncertainty don't go too well together, but I will take this hands down anyday!!!   The illness of my aunt, who unfortunately won't go into remission but who is expected only to last for the next day or too, again from cancer, and hearing from the consultant that one of the ladies I was being treated with who seemed like me, relatively well and who had exactly the same kind of cancer as I did, had died last week, focuses the mind all too sharply but also helps me to realise just how thankful I am.

Thankful that I am in remission; thankful to all who have nursed and looked after me; thankful to all who have held my hand and wiped my tears; thankful to my work and colleagues for their support; thankful to my friends, church family and family for all their support and thankful to God for His many blessings.

I had also hoped that by now I would be feeling so much better. Don't get me wrong, of course I feel better than I did but I get so very tired. I do something because I feel fine but end up feeling tired because I have tried to do whatever it is. Tomorrow for example, it's the MWI service in the morning at Church and of course I want to support Joan (who is preaching,) and the ladies who have done all the organising and planning but I also would like to support my friend and her family who are burying their dad tomorrow afternoon. I know I can't do both and it just gets so frustrating. Colin reminds me daily that rather than look at it this way I should perhaps just be thankful that I can choose to do either of them, perhaps if I was feeling worse then I couldn't do any of them, I know he is right.

Wonderful things that have been the rainbows and stars of the last few weeks and months have been:
Watching as Colin has begun to investigate, and has now started on his photography venture / business.

 My Lovely Hubby!

Enjoying crafting when I've needed some quiet time at home, something which I hadn't done for a while before I became unwell - thankyou Leanne, Alison, & Sharon for the inspiration.

 Eoin & Jack

Spending time with my boys - watching Eoin gain some independence as he went with the other children in P6 in his school to the Share Centre in Enniskillen - something both he and I were very nervous about. He's back yesterday and he had an absolute ball. He joined in all of the activities and it's just so wonderful to start to see him develop into a young man.

I have started to work with Heather from The Ulster Cancer Foundation, on a project called "Writing for the Future," and she is helping me to put together something for the boys. Hopefully an insurance policy which I will never need to use - a book and a box for each of the boys with some thoughts and feelings in it to help them to gain a better sense of connection to me if the worst was to happen. I hope that I will be embarrassing them with it in years to come and that they won't have to look at it alone while they are still children, but I know I will feel better to have done it.

Thank you all for your support.

Louise

Watching & Waiting

I can't believe how long it's been since I've posted! I will have to make a belated new year's resolution to try and post more often - at least once per week. Even if it's not read by anyone, at least it's some therapy for me!!

After a traumatice couple of days, I've finally come to the end of this round of treatment - it's perhaps the last ever, we won't know until after a scan in about 6 weeks, which hopes to determine how the treatment has worked on the lymphoma cells and how we need to proceed from here. Hopefully the lymphoma will be in remission but we don't know.

We have had a lovely Christmas together as a family with both mine and Colin's parents joining us over the past number of weeks to stay for days / weeks and we have just enjoyed the time with our boys.

The boys on the beach at Ballygalley

Thomas joining in the fun at W5

The beginning of our wait for the scan and the news that will follow has helped me to focus on the season just past, Christmas. The birth of Jesus. How much more difficult must it have been for those lonely, weary, travellers on the road to Bethlehem who had both received such unexpected visitors bringing them such amazing news in the months previous to their journey.

They, unlike us, were not 'privy' to the end of the story, they were unaware of the amazing life that this little babe would lead.

We experience this story, with the hindsight that 2,000 years gives us. With the luxury of the history and the experience of all those who have gone before and shared with us their faith and the impact that His lowly birth had on them.

For Mary and Joseph, they waited, longing to know what would happen to their child, Jesus. They entrusted God in their waiting, they didn't know the outcome, what impact his life and death would have on the world. They didn't have the luxury of knowing the end of the story - in some ways I wonder if this would have been easier, if they had known what was going to happen, would they have tried to change the course of history. Or was it harder to wait, to watch and see what time would unfold for their son, who was also the Son of God.

I am in no way trying to draw paralleles between my life and that of Jesus! However, I am in the midst of the waiting, trusting, hoping but knowing that in this the outcome may well be something unexpected, different to what I hope for, but it could also be something so far beyond my wildest dreams that I am unable to ever imagine what it could be. Isn't it so scary yet so wonderful all at the same time. That rollercoaster of emotion, that ever changing state of flux!

I know the constants that are with me on this journey, the stars and the rainbows. Even in the daylight when we can't see them, as my good friend recently reminded me in a wonderful gift, the day stars are there, we just can't see them. To you friends who are the constant encouragers and supporters on this journey - thank you for being the rainbows and stars. 

Perhaps i am better not knowing the outcome to this situation, but in other ways, as I've previously explained, this does not sit easily with the one who tries to plan and to know what is ahead and tries to anticipate this - I'm still learning to listen to the "still, small voice of calm!"

Hopefully I will be posting again soon - but then again don't hold your breath, I said that last time (9th November!!!!) Here's hoping.........

........ in the meantime, keep looking for the rainbows and stars!